I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
