so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
