I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The air was thick with penises
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
