he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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