this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
