I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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