This dress was meant to end up on your floor
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
