The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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