he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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