At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
