At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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