***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
