I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
