The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
