Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
