Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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