I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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