she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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