$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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