He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
