I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
