I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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