I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
