Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
