Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
