Princesses don't give blow jobs
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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