One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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