thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
