Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Damn victory sex feels great
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