Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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