She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
