Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just gift wrapped bread.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
