I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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