plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize
