What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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