Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize