My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
