I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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