So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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