Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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