the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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