When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
