So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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