dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize