Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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