you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
