Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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