Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
