Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
