my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
