We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
