Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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