Is it normal to miss your booty call?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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