i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
