my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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