"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
