I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
