i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
