sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
