ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Life is so much better after having sex.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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