dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
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